Someone With No Insecurities


Next thing she knew, Eva was wide awake after a typically deep and restful night of sleep. Next door, her sister began a ritual of groans and complaints that had become as commonplace as the sunrise. “Wow, she must be having yet another crisis of ‘I have nothing to wear and Oh My God the world is ending,’” Eva thought to herself as she rolled her eyes and picked out a sunny t-shirt and shorts without particular care. While Cecilia gossiped away on her new baby-pink cell – a detail Eva snickered at as she threw her cell-phone-free bag into the passenger seat and sat her short self into the car – Eva looked around out the window, her neck craned out, her head up high and her mouth in a broad smile, and took in the brilliant morning sunshine for a moment. “A moment corrupted,” she thought, annoyed, when Cecilia’s piercing shriek vibrated into her ear: “Oh my God, are you deaf? I said I can’t give you a ride home tomorrow, coach is, like, making us stay after for extra practice.” Eva, who hadn’t been paying much attention, that is to say, none at all, to what she was sure was a very deep and meaningful conversation on her sister’s part, said flatly, “I’m sure there exist other ways to get home.” Smugly, she watched her sister’s face, frozen momentarily in a kind of disgusted contortion. “You are, like, such a dork,” Cecilia at last expunged. “I see you have nothing better to say,” Eva thought to herself, her expression unchanged.

In the crowded hallways on her way to fourth period, Eva’s presence seemed oblivious to the much taller and stronger multitude as she somehow pushed her way through in a straight, unimpeded path. Upon catching sight of her drama teacher, she made a beeline for said target, greeting him with a wide smile that displayed a set of rather sharp teeth.

“Ready for sophomore night this afternoon?” Mr. Matthews asked her.

“Yes.”

He said calmly, “You’ll be fine. But what am I telling you for? You don’t worry anyway.”

“No, I am worried. You see, none of my jokes have the phrase “oh my God” in them; I am afraid that no one will understand a thing.”

Next thing she knew, Eva was up on stage finishing the last in a series of sarcastic quips concerning the society of her school, to a round of applause. “And now, here is another act. They’re, like, pretty good,” she said normally into the microphone. Cecilia and her friend, juniors though they may be, had taken the opportunity of sophomore night to grace the public with their cheerleading talents. Stepping down to sit with her grandfather, who took his place loyally in the front row, Eva exclaimed, “Was that an opinion? And I said the word ‘like.’”

You said that?” her grandfather asked her.

“Yes, I did.”

Eva leaned back to watch the giggles and screams emanating from the uniform-appliquéd figures. She did not make much sense of what they were doing. “How can anyone ever find that attractive?” she wondered to herself. They’re so stupid; in the midst of this she caught herself and realized that her face was scrunched in a way as to make that thought painfully obvious to any onlookers, such as her sister, who had briefly caught her eye. A small twinge of guilt filled Eva up for a moment and jolted her slightly in her seat – then went away. Oh well. Disdain reigned once more as Eva snorted to herself when Cecilia and her friend began shaking their buts in unison. What a monumental waste of time, for her. Eva consciously averted her eyes toward the open window; birds singing, sunshine spilling, warmth flowing….Intermission! So long! Without so much as a thought of common courtesy, Eva got up out of her chair and walked down the middle of the isle with sure steps, eyes fixed ahead on the entry to the outdoors, not looking back.

Blank. That is what her mind was when she stepped outside. Druggies. That is what was hanging around outside by the wall. Eva snickered. “You’re cool,” she thought to herself in cold-like tones. She continued smiling, mostly because her heart was so light and yet so filled up by the energy and beauty of the natural world all around her. The road is endless, the homework is minimal – she had – has – all the time in the world. Suddenly, she broke into a run, which she kept up for a few minutes.

…No thought…running is nice…ah, it smells nice outside…Spring-like….

In this kind of weather, she played outside every day as an eight-year-old. The stars were coming out now against the backdrop of a cerulean sky. Oh – no – that is a firefly, not a star – curiosity overwhelming her as she held the tiny yellow bulb between her palms, she bent her face very, very close, so that her nose was almost touching the bug and a rather unpleasant, bitter smell permeated her nostrils. She opened her palms – the firefly shot out – she instinctively squashed it. The she showed Cecilia, who started to cry. Why was Cecilia wearing a dress, Eva wondered incredulously. The notion of a dress was so absurd, that a very powerful wave of confusion welled inside her heart, and drove her young mind crazy.

A car full of horny and obnoxious teenage boys (probably from her school) who had somehow managed to obtain both a license and a car honked at her as it drove by. She happily gave it the finger without faltering her complacent smile. “So begins rush hour,” she noted as she became aware that a rather thicker stream of cars was passing by. The sun was slowly setting, also. Mmm, coffee shop (as she turned her head to the right). A snippet of music blared as a black Honda with its windows down drove right by her:

“It’s a nowhere road, it’s a nowhere road.

No matter where it goes, it’s a nowhere road.”

Ugh, broke: that is what she was. So long, frappucino….



2007